Tbalma's Blog

Just Life.

tbalma — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:44:27 +0000

I have been thinking about somethings today since I service ended today. I have been dealing with a battle, and honestly, I don’t know what it is. I feel like I will go to church, get my “blessing” and then the next week, I am fine. Things are changing for me, in a bad way. My convictions, my standards, holiness outlook, and I don’t like it and I am backing it out. I realize that the only person that can officailly change this will be me, but in the end, I don’t want the battle to win me, I want to win the battle.

Bro. Tate was talking about how much baggage around. I have plenty of baggage. Most if it are past regrets, but who doesn’t have them, and why dwell on them right? I also have pains from people that have hurt me, but once more, who hasn’t been hurt? But lastly, there are lies that I have held and no one else knows. Things that I am so insecure with telling and things that I hope God doesn’t share with other people because I am that embarrased. I mean, I went to the altar and never felt a peace like I have today in a long time. I feel like I have a long journey for myself. I am realearning everything it feels like. Why I believe this, and why I believe that.

I was talking with someone and I was telling them that since I now am on my own, that it is my responsibility for staying in this life of surrendence unto God. No, no one was there behind me to give me a push to go to church or talked with me that dealt with anything about God. But I had a friend who invited me to church. Obviously God knew what He was doing becasue I am still here. I am almost 20 years old and been in church since I was about 9, I believe, and despite the lies that I once had, I can make it, I know I can. I pray that God will send me the right person in my life that will always be there for me no matter what. That person, doesn’t matter who it is, that will help me direct myself, will never hurt me, but then again, God has been that person. I have to do something. I have to do something different from what I haven’t been doing so I can get back to what I once knew, the relationship I once had with God.

The Way You Love Me

tbalma — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 05:32:22 +0000

“The Way That You Love Me”

This heart breaks slowly

telling me what are you doing to me when I pray do what it takes

I didn’t know I’d lose everything.

Everything that meant anything to me is gone.

Something right has to come from this wrong.

It is the hurt that breaks me.

It is the pain that pulls me to my knees.

And the tears, they’ve changed me to what I couldn’t see,become so clear to me.

This is the way, the way that you love me.

My way, destroying me.

I couldn’t see I was my worst enemy.

So you took away till my soul ached

and I knew that it was no mistake.

Anything that meant anything to me was gone.

Something right has to come from this wrong.

It is the hurt that breaks me.

It is the pain that pulls me to my knees.

And the tears, they’ve changed me to what I couldn’t see, become so clear to me.

This is the way, the way that you love me.

You love me so much that you let me,

you let me fall knowing that I would lose it all and hear your call.

You love me so much that you chase me.

When I ran away you captured me by letting me run to the end of myself.

To the end of myself.

And this the way you love me.

The way you love me.

It is the hurt that breaks me.

It is the pain that pulls me to my knees.

And the tears, they’ve changed me to what I couldn’t see, become so clear to me.

This is the way, the way that you love me.

The way that you love me.

The spirit of Abram

tbalma — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:00:54 +0000

I was reading the story of Abram and became inspired. First, Pastor preaches about change. Then, Just a couple of weeks ago, we had YC and it was all about finding who we are so we can change ourselves to better Christ-like and others as well. And third, I ran upon this inspiring story and it touched me. First, God told Abram to leave his father’s house and his family. Abram was told this and in advance, God had a lot ready for him. He promised him that Abram would great among many nations. Then, he was also promised that he would have land all to himself. So, Abram grabbed his wife, Sarai, and Lot, his brother’s son, their belongings and left his fathers house and other family. It makes me think, what of God asked me to leave everything that I have, and take advantage of, and told me to leave it all behind and would be great at doing something. I am thinking in my head, you know the obvious answer would, of course, but what if the day came and I was doing great things already and loved what I was doing now, would I still go? Would I go beyond of the things that I have become useto and do greater things and better things? Like Israel Houghton, again with his lyrics, No limits, no boundaries, I see increase, all around me. Stretch fourth, break fourth, release me, enlarge my territory. I wanna have the spirit of Abram where I can just drop everything around me and make sure that I am doing what God wants me to do, even if I can’t see Him! Even if He can’t tell me face to face! God goes on to bless Abram and do great things, and no, Abram may not have been perfect and there were times that he had doubts, who doesn’t?

A message from Houghton

tbalma — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:50:13 +0000

I was listening to Israel Houghton, and I aboslutely love him! His worship, his voice, his interceding, and his love for Christ. All his music is worshipful and he is jusy… Amazing! Well he was talking during his song and it just touched me because he helped me look at situations through another way I have never looked at them before. He was stating that you know those things that you hit and he falls back but it comes right because of the weight that holds it on the bottom? Houghton was stating that our lives are like the these things that are irresistable to tackle and stay down, unless they are broken. Just imagine, the devil has one of these things in front of him characterized as every single person in the world. He hits everyone single one of them, but he gets frustrated at the point that he cannot make them stay down. We are down for a second to go through our trial but we are back up again to give God the praise of making it through the storm. Now, if you look around, you will see some broken and torn up. But the thing is is that we break ourselves. We let ourselves crumble in pieces and let the devil win. Just the devil keep punching because sooner or later, you will come right back up. You never know, you may come back up and give the devil a punch back. I have been going through crap my whole life and it’s not easy, but God takes care of me. I am not gonna give up now; I want to see my reward in the end. It doesn’t matter who comes in my life and turns everything upside down and puts me down. And like the devotional that Sis. Cheryl sent to the singles today, we are brought with a price and if we keep that in mind, we will make it! It’s not what you have that explains who you are and how much you are worth. It’s what you do for the kingdom of God that makes you you and what you are worth.

Desperate!

tbalma — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:28:32 +0000

Ok, so Sis. Lisa talked in class today and it made me grateful for God’s mercy and grace. He has blessed tremendously these past couple of months. I have become so grateful of everything really. She was talking about how sometimes situations are so important that you become desperate seek for help, guidance, etc. It reminded of how someone can be so close to God and then a catstrophic event happens in their life and they become desperate; they long for something new, something different, something that will help them get over their grief, heartache, whatever. About 4 and a half months ago, an event happened so personal, so hurtful, that I didn’t know what to do. In fact, I blamed God for letting this happened, but in all actuality, I should have been thanking Him. This event lead me to a great down fall and would lead me into deepest valley I would ever be in in my life. There were times I would be driving home, black out, and the next thing I know, I am sitting in the drive way. I dealt with spirits like never before. I would also plan me backsliding; partying, ya know, worldy things. Things I never thought that I would be doing. I got to the point I was tiref of blacking out, and scared from it too. I, then, became desperate for something different. I was leading myself to hell and the devil was having himself a party, celebrating. I started to change things and became more aware of where I was heading to and the spirits I was facing. Even though that event is passed now, I am still desperate for God. I have a testimony and would love to share it with others. I want more of God in my life andlive to fullest with His expectations and not mine. Thanks, Sis. Lisa, for sharing that word, most def!

Class.

tbalma — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 02:52:56 +0000

Wow. Class was absolutely amazing tonight. I loved how we had our discussion in the open. But I have not broken down like that in forever, and it also seemed like in front of a million of people, although, it was only a handful. I learned though, a lot. To be honest, I was bitter about doing fireworks because I had bad experiences there. Usually, when I have a bad experience I build walls and never try that experience again. If I do, it leads to dissapointment. Sometimes, I ignore that wall and end up usually getting hurt like I always do. It reminds me of this whole dad thing situation I am dealing with. My dad still is trying to get in contact with me and telling me he loves me and yet I still fall for it because I miss that relationship with a dad. I mean, it’s so hard not to feel the way I feel and sometimes I feel like that I can’t get over it or no one knows how I feel. But the even sillier thing is that they really do know how I feel. But there goes me being crazy and decide that I know what I am doing and fall for it over and over again? What do I do? Tell my dad that I want nothing to do with him so that I can stop falling for his tricks, or do I do something about myself. Learn to deal with it and handle the situation a little better so that I can be used of God and get that void that needs to be filled. I am not going to lie, I have a huge void to fill and my ex was that void for the time we spent together. Now I am lonely, confused, and absolutely boy crazy to the point I will accept anyone. My reputation is worth more then that. My self-worth is costs more then letting someone in my life and taking advantage of me and etc. This void, what do I do to feel it? The loneliness? The thought that I feel like I am nothing to no one and there will never be anyone to help me nor will there be anyone to lift me and encourage me. It seems like that everyone else does except me. It seems like that everyone has someone to rely on. I mean, I know I do have people, but it’s a different feeling and it feels like that I am longing for something different. I need and want something more. Just an amazing night to think and attack some of the things I never realized I needed and long for.

My first blog!

tbalma — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 02:08:11 +0000

Ok, so I have been wanting to blog like foever now and I am just now getting the chance to blog, lol! I love to type and being on the computer and I needed something that cleared my mind and even share with other people about. I am about sharing info, maybe not everything, as I learned, lol, but something. Everyone’s life can help some one else, and I am all for helping other people. Well, this is it for my first blog, but I will have more to come.